One can never truly understand what a survivor of homicide experiences unless you have been in their shoes. Society often means well, but is uncomfortable speaking with and being around those who have lost someone in the most unimaginable way.
We recently asked our membership a question.
"What would you like the world to know about your grief and grieving process after your loss?"
Here are some of their responses:
"The loss is very lonely when almost no one will mention my son. It seems as if some people would wish away the fact that he ever existed. Please talk about him. Say his name. It brings me solace and a bit of joy . Sometimes it can feel a bit like he is still here if only for a brief moment."
"Grief from a homicide is exacerbated by our justice system and the continual, ongoing court dates, in our case, up to four a month.
Please, speak his name to us. Gabriel. My biggest fear it that he will be forgotten, as if his life did not matter, except to those of us who lived here in this house with him. I want to talk about him, I want to hear his name, I want to know that after my husband and I die, he will be remembered."
"It's important to remember that they lived, loved us and shed light while they were here. We belong to a club that no one wants to join and yet we find solace in other members stories. We are forever changed but our resilience makes us admirable and courageous!!"
"An unsolved murder is unique in that we have no one to vent our anger or hurt towards, no understanding of why the person did it. Was it random, was there a motive? When you have no closure, it's hard to move on, but we do it for the victim. We are all survivors. We live on in memory of those we lost in brutal ways. Nothing is normal about a homicide. The triggers are different because we live in a very violent world and sometimes just watching the news can bring us to our knees and back to the day it happened. With unsolved murders we can never give up hope. Cold cases can be solved. That is the hope we all have."
"We all grieve at our own pace. There is never “closure”-we love those we lost forever. We all need time and space but at times we need folks around us, not necessarily to talk but to just Be there. We should always consider therapy beyond friends and families, someone we can talk to and bare our worst fears and sadness."
"Speak our loved one's name, after all they do have a name. My 15 year old daughter was murdered 21 years ago, and the case is still not solved. I know I lost some good friends after Tawnya was murdered cause they didn't know how to be around me. I said for them to be just like before, don't tip toe around me or the subject of my daughter. Also, we never get over the grief, the pain has scabs to ease the pain."
"I experienced terrible victim's paranoia. I was afraid to pass in front of a window, was terrified I was being followed in my car, actually sat on the floor in the backseat of a car once because I was too afraid of being shot, like my sister was murdered. the paranoia passed eventually, but it took time."
"The horrific loss never ends. Some days are so much better than others.
The “build up” of anxiety, loneliness and grief leading up to special dates is unbearable at times.
The horrific loss never ends. Some days are so much better than others.
Fleeting moments of panic and anxiety knowing that I will be mourning this brutal horrific loss for the rest of my life.
The constant fear that she will be forgotten. No one but us speak of her."
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